Friday, May 10, 2002
POLYMORPHOUS
Silly Rabbit,
In case you should happen to hold a Rabbit Blog logo contest some day, here is my entry.
A long time ago I called up a radio station and the conversation went something like this:
DJ: Hello?
ME: Umm.. [for like one tenth of one second]
DJ (disgusted): Get a life [click.]
I had a little flashback of this yesterday and since then I've appreciated your refraining from doing something similar. Non-responses are like birthday presents in comparison.
Another great suggestion you'll surely ignore: how 'bout a recommended books list? Alan Watts was a good (implicit) suggestion. Don't stop there! Or a links list (I would've died having never read The Hermenaut had you not linked to it).
I'd really like to move to LA for the summer but I have no money. Can I sleep on your couch? Pleeeeeeeeease? I could help out around the house, make trips to the grocery store, post to your blog when you don't feel like it and much much more.
Bah,
Jay
Dear Bah-Jay,
Your logo made me laugh. There it is, on the left. See it, kids? I like it. A lot. And I do sometimes feel like Polly in a rabbit suit. What city is that? It looks like New York. I think Polly in a rabbit suit would be better off in New York. Wait, is that that blasted Montgomery building? Is that San Francisco? I'm never moving back there, boy. Now you're definitely not sleeping on my couch.
Luckily, I'm not Polly in a rabbit suit. I'm a fucking real live rabbit, OK? Why is that so hard for you little monkeys to wrap your little monkey brains around?
Anyway, let's talk about Filler, shall we? I think this is one of my favorite Fillers of all time. I think Terry started to hate Polly, but he liked the Hack and the Fish a lot, and it shows. How 'bout we all read it, right now, OK?
Yeah, that one rocks. But then I read a few others from the same year, and I like those, too. I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm a genius.
Now you really can't sleep on my couch.
[click.]
Rabbit
10:47 AM
THE GREAT DREAM-BIO BAKE-OFF!
Who has the most impressive bio in the land, the most multifaceted and staggeringly consequential bio of all, the one bio that's custom-made to send neurotic underachievers into downward spirals of horror and self-doubt?
The challenge goes out to all ye bloggers and blog readers in the land: Point me to the bio most injurious to a bad-headed dreamer's self-worth, and you win the prize: Your lamentably unimpressive bio listed here, on the hallowed pages of the rabbit blog!
That's right! Your name and all your pointless pursuits and mediocre accolades could one day be outlined right here, for all the world to mock openly!
Rules of the Game
Each "dream bio" discovered by the entrant will be judged based on the breadth and scope of the profiled individual's achievements. Special attention will be paid to the following:
♥ More than one Ivy League degree!
♥ One or more special grants with the word "genius" in the title!
♥ A seemingly continual speaking tour and/or media/radio interview schedule!
♥ A particularly fabulous, beautifully-lit head shot, preferrably black and white, featuring a studied "casual" look!
♥ Any tossed-off references to the fact that the individual in question also "plays jazz guitar" or "speaks five languages" or "was a member of the NYC Ballet for several years" or "was close personal friends with Miles Davis" or "has Thanksgiving dinner with Joan Didion" or "bakes a mean soufflé"!
Special points will be given to those with dizzying credentials whose names one can barely recognize.
The First Dream-Bio Entry
While his name is well-known, Douglas Rushkoff's bio not only features a nicely lit author photo, but it also refers to countless books and articles, an acclaimed documentary, a Princeton degree, a packed interview schedule, and several possible sources of "consulting" income beyond the usual grubby writerly fare - and that's not to mention his involvement with the United Nations and his experience as a "certified stage fight choreographer."
Plus, he's a commentator for All Things Considered and he has a blog! I thought the last two items alone were enough to justify my existence, but no longer! Douglas has ruined my whole fucking underachieving day! Thanks a lot, buddy! Just know that while you're washing down a Valium with a shot of Maker's Mark* on that plane to Atlanta for your next appearance on Larry King, I'll be right here on my squishy couch in my dirty socks, eating cookie dough ice cream straight out of the pint! That's right! Who's your daddy, Dougie? Who's your daddy?
* = This is just how I picture you, because I'm a sad little whore. I know that you're really sipping on carrot juice and spritzing your face with Evian while breezing through Release 1.0 - you know, just to relax - even though Larry's sure to pat you on the back and call you a genius regardless of what string of complicated analyses drift from that thoughtful, thoughtful, thoughtful mien of yours. Is your mantra "They're just jealous!" Doug? Because it should be.
10:06 AM
Thursday, May 09, 2002
HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY
Subject: It's funny
If someone came up to me and said, "I've got this problem...I'm dating a supposed manic-depressive, bipolar, overly emotional girl who has cheated on me multiple times and constantly hurts me. What should I do?" I would obviously say, "That's easy...dump her." That's funny right? Since I'm in that exact situation and yet my thoughts are not on how to get rid of her, but on how to help her with her problems so I can marry her. I love her more than I ever thought it possible to love someone, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have had countless family, friends, and casual acquaintances tell me that I do not deserve all that I have had to endure. I hear, "Just end it" over and over again. Oddly enough, I completely ignore all 'advice' given. I have been hurt more by this relationship than by anything else in my life, but I continue to try and make it work. Am I just crazy for wanting this to still work?
Sincerely,
Masochist
Dear Masochist,
No, you're not crazy! Suffering is the American way, why else would a constant flood of humanity have washed up on the rocky shores of this bug-infested land, chicken pox blankies at the ready as gifts for any native speakers? ("Helpful Hint! Keep a chicken pox blanket gift-wrapped and ribboned in a basket by the door for any unexpected Indian guests!")
Pain is one of the most poignant, salient, romantic, invigorating emotions you can feel. What's so funny about that? You're proud of your pain, too - and why wouldn't you be? Look at the countless family, friends, and casual acquaintances who've told you, over and over, that you deserve so much more. It must feel great, to be constantly reminded of how much better than her you are, and yet you sally forth against the storm. Why? Because you've never felt quite so alive as you do when entering the fiery furnace of her anger and neglect and betrayal!
But what's in it for her? Surely it's boring, to be stuck with someone who's such a doormat. She suspects that you don't really love her, or that you love her for the pain she inflicts rather than for the happiness she brings you. She suspects you aren't telling her the truth, that your family, friends, and casual acquaintances are the only ones who get the whole truth from you. She suspects that your family, friends, and even acquaintances are against her - and she's right, of course. She feels like your scapegoat - she's the enemy so you don't have to hate yourself, or feel sick over how little you feel for people who actually care about you. She suspects that you confuse love with hate, and that you hate her, just like her parents did, secretly. This sensation is familiar, so she doesn't leave. So how does she handle all that boredom, mixed with resentment of you and your posse? How does she get a little power for herself, when everyone's against her? She cheats on you.
Don't cry for her, Argentina. You have yourself to cry for. Why does scorn feel more romantic and exciting to you than love? Why are you so numb? As long as you continue to support and love her, and then tell everyone you know how awful she is to you, aren't you doing her an injustice? Where's the honesty in that relationship, that your friends know more about how you feel about her than she does? Are you pitting yourself against her to get closer to your family, because you've been their scapegoat in the past, and now you can have them on your side?
I'm shooting in the dark, here, obviously. I just want you to think about how there are two people involved in your relationship, and you both have your fingers on each other's triggers. Maybe that's sort of erotic for now, but if you don't stop it, you're both gonna hit the floor.
I'm not going to say "Get the hell out of there!" even though I'm pretty sure you'll look back, once you get out of it, and say, "That wasn't love, and I'm SO much happier now." What you really need right now is to sit down with a therapist and tell him/her the truth about you. Not the truth about what SHE does to YOU, but the truth about you. What the hell is going on with you? Does scorn feel more honest to you than love? Did your parents love you in ways that felt conditional, or self-serving, or insincere? No parents are perfect - if their love for you felt confusing or dishonest, you can only imagine how freakish their parents were towards them. Understanding your background has nothing to do with blaming anyone for being human, and everything to do with recognizing where you are now so you can find happiness. Why don't YOU believe that you deserve better, so much so that you're addicted to other people telling you so? You don't think you deserve a thing, do you? That's scarier than a cheating girlfriend, by far.
I've been sort of idly mean in this letter, but it's only because your situation makes me feel really sad, and I get mean when I'm sad. Hey, you're not the only one who's lost their creme-filled crullers. Ignore the rest of this letter, ok? You deserve love. You deserve a whole hell of a lot of love, particularly because it seems like you're long overdue to get it. It's about time you felt some pure love, uncut by pain.
So how do you get out of this? 1. Do whatever it takes, day in and day out, to convince yourself that you deserve a huge amount of pure, good love from someone who accepts and loves you for who you are. You deserve it despite all the signs you've encountered to the contrary. You deserve it starting now. 2. Stop telling her all the good stuff and your friends all the bad stuff. Tell everyone all of the stuff. Be honest with her and everyone else. Open yourself up to the world, make yourself vulnerable. Stay vulnerable. Don't go back to cutting yourself off from the world, your emotions, etc. If you feel terrible at first, just stay there and don't back off and protect yourself. Soon, you're going to feel very, very good. You'll know it, because pain will feel bad, and love will feel amazing.
Doing those things might require a therapist, or maybe you just want to look through a book by John Bradshaw and see which flavor of fucked up you are. Don't feel bad, we're all screwy. Just stop blaming it all on your dumb girlfriend and start figuring out what's going on with you. You won't know anything about your relationship until you're completely honest with her, the friends you can trust, and yourself. Tell them what you feel and what you know, and find out what you don't know, and what you're afraid to feel. Will your girlfriend or even your friends reject you for opening up? Expect it, resolve to stay open anyway, and keep those who support you even closer.
Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Things are going to suck for a while, but they'll get better.
You deserve to be loved by someone who's capable of loving and accepting you. Right now, you're not capable of that yourself, but you will be. Your past may have given you a million and one reasons to believe that no one will ever accept and love you for who you are, but if you face the truth about yourself, your future will be a prettier, shinier, happier thing than you can even imagine from where you're sitting right now.
And from there, all of this will seem funny-ha-ha, instead of just funny-sad and funny-weird.
Rabbit
7:52 AM
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
PERSONALITY DISORDER OF THE WEEK
Dependent Personality Disorder
A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
(2) needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
(3) has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Does not include realistic fears of retribution.
(4) has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
(5) goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
(6) feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
(7) urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
(8) is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself
[Excerpted from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), 1998 by the American Psychiatric Association]
Other Choice Tidbits
"Individuals with Dependent Personality Disorder are often characterized by pessimism and self-doubt, tend to belittle their abilities and assets, and may constantly refer to themselves as "stupid." Dependent Personality Disorder is among the most frequently reported Personality Disorders encountered in mental health clinics."
So You're Dependent, Are You?
Don't panic just yet, little flower. Chances are you share some of the symptoms of your classic Dependent, when in fact, you're actually something much more dramatic and compelling, like Borderline, Histrionic, or Avoidant. Read on:
"Although many personality disorders are characterized by dependent features, Dependent Personality Disorder can be distinguished by its predominantly submissive, reactive, and clinging behavior. Both Dependent Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder are characterized by fear of abandonment; however, the individual with Borderline Personality Disorder reacts to abandonment with feelings of emotional emptiness, rage, and demands,♠ whereas the individual with Dependent Personality Disorder reacts with increasing appeasement and submissiveness and urgently seeks a replacement relationship to provide caregiving and support. Borderline Personality Disorder can further be distinguished from Dependent Personality Disorder by a typical pattern of unstable and intense relationships.♥ Individuals with Histrionic Personality Disorder, like those with Dependent Personality Disorder, have a strong need for reassurance and approval and may appear childlike and clinging. However, unlike Dependent Personality Disorder, which is characterized by self-effacing and docile behavior, Histrionic Personality Disorder is characterized by gregarious flamboyance with active demands for attention.♥ Both Dependent Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder are characterized by feelings of inadequacy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and a need for reassurance; however, individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder have such a strong fear of humiliation and rejection that they withdraw until they are certain they will be accepted.♦ In contrast, individuals with Dependent Personality Disorder have a pattern of seeking and maintaining connections to important others, rather than avoiding and withdrawing from relationships."
♠ = Think: Rebel Without A Cause
♣ = Think: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
♥ = Think: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
♦ = Think: The low point in any really stupid movie, where the hero walks around alone in the city, kicking cans and moping and picking his/her nose, until he/she finally figures out that he/she has made a major mistake in withdrawing from someone as cute and special as Meg Ryan/Dottie/Willie The Killer Whale/Father Mike, etc.
Summarizing...
Don't you feel better now? You don't have Dependent Personality Disorder, the wet blanket of all personality disorders, after all! No, you're much too hot-blooded and complicated for that! You express your vulnerability and emotional longing for others by kicking them in the teeth! Dependents can go on, sighing resignedly and spreading the smooth peanut butter for their overlords ("Smooth! Not chunky! Smooth! How many times do I have to beat the shit out of you until you get it?!!"), but not you! You'll be out there confusing the fuck out of your loved ones with your alternately needy, glowering, grandiose, stand-offish, fretful, accusatory, distant, smug, crestfallen, and whiny behavior.
God, it's great to be an enema - er, enigma, isn't it?
1:51 PM
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
THE BLOOM IS OFF THE ROSE
Rabbit,
Somewhere in the United States a high-school boy has asked a girl to the senior prom. She is flattered that this particular guy decided to single her out. She hasn't made up her mind to go with him, however. She likes the guy; she's had her eye on him all year, but everybody in town knows what happened to him when he was a little baby. His mom took him to photographer Anne Geddes, who makes a living by marketing her photos of cute babies dressed up in outfits that make the babies look like little bunnies, ladybugs, teddy bears, etc. These photos are put in calendars, greeting cards, and coffee table books, and sell millions. The local paper publicized it way back when the local baby boy made it as a sunflower. People still tease him about it, even now when he's starting to grow a mustache. The girl would like to go with him, but when she sees him face to face, she keeps picturing big yellow sunflower petals radiating from around his head. She imagines him getting romantic with her in a private place after prom, but she can't fantasize seriously about being ravished by a happy-looking flower. What will she do?
Ed
Dear Ed,
I don't know a girl or a woman in the world who can't fantasize seriously about being ravished by a happy-looking flower. If the boy really wants to get some action, maybe he should start by shaving that awful mustache. Even Ethan Hawke can't pull that shit off.
I would pass your letter off as a harmless exercise - just you, idly stretching your powers of imagination - but that would be too easy. Clearly, you're going through a mid-life crisis, Ed, and it's bringing many of your deep-seated fears and insecurities to the surface.
You see, Ed, the physical changes of mid-life can, for some men, signal a threat to their masculinity and virility, causing severe psychological distress and a multitude of behavioral changes. Many men fear that without their physical strength and unfaltering sex drive, they will not appeal to women. Women will see them not as swarthy pirates anxious to tear at their bodices, but as soft little wussies or wilty little flowers. Wilty little baby sunflowers, Ed.
But don't be so certain that women have a problem with soft, squeezable men. Many women rejoice in the newfound reflectiveness and tenderness that's brought on by middle age - indeed, this softness increases their interest in and love for their mates. Maybe it's your resistance to your own squishiness that presents the problem. Personally, I get bitchy when I'm feeling vulnerable, thereby scaring off the other rabbits who might find my vulnerability, unclouded by bitchiness, perfectly understandable. I often confuse my harsh anticipation of rejection as rejection itself, thereby eliminating the possibility that I could simply express my weakened state and receive comfort. It makes me feel dirty just to admit that I have needs at all, actually. I'm a man trapped in a rabbit's body, Ed, so I know how you feel. Sort of. Sometimes.
OK, maybe I have no idea how you feel. But the point is, your fear of being rejected for changing into a different, older man may have you behaving in mean and aggressive ways, which may be alienating to others, and when you feel that alienation you may assume that it springs from your lack of appeal as a man, when in fact, it springs from your inability to relax into your new place in the world. You have to accept yourself as a happy flower for the world to accept you as such.
Take a careful look at what you believe about yourself and your relation to women, and make sure your beliefs are accurate, because reality will inevitably conform to those beliefs. Men who accept and embrace their full selves - masculine and feminine, strong and weak - will know that pleasing a healthy woman is as easy as pleasing themselves. And let's face it, men are self-pleasing ovens.
Happy is sexy.
Rabbit
12:27 PM
Monday, May 06, 2002
NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!
Went to a pool party in the Hollywood Hills yesterday, which is really par for the course in this glamourous life of nonstop seeing and being seen, wining and dining. More like whining and whining. There was guacamole and homemade tacquitos. There were fake boobs there, bobbing around in the hot tub like beach balls. There were little kids who tackled my date on the blow-up Twister board, and called him "old and stinky and hairy." "But that's what I like about him!" I cried, clutching a lukewarm Corona and tittering in that unnatural way that creepy adults do.
I also saw Spider-Man, which I wish weren't hyphenated. The hyphen is really the only thing I didn't like about the movie. Sure, the stunts were a little too Sega-weightless, but good lord, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst? If only they would've just ripped their clothes off and made sweet love Top Gun-style. Sam Raimi isn't about to stoop to "Take My Breath Away" floaty curtain Love Boat athletic screwing, though, which is admirable. I would never be able to show such restraint with such fine looking young folks as my puppets. But the dialogue! "When you look at her, she makes you feel stronger and weaker and courageous and afraid all at once"? I wept freely into my caramel corn. It's slightly shameful to exit an action movie looking broken and unkempt, fumbling with snotty tissues.
But then, I have issues, and I'm hopelessly impressionable, which makes me one of the most easily branded humans alive. Impressionable, slightly dysfunctional, emotionally stilted human being? See also: consumer!
Plus, it was late and I had had two big beers and we were at the Arclight, a huge theater with a massive curving screen and an insane sound system, and we were front and center. I might've cried at Rush Hour 2 under those circumstances.
I know I've been disappointingly scarce lately, but this is going to be a stellar week in the rabbit blog universe, I can tell. Stay tuned.
7:08 PM
