Saturday, May 22, 2010
FAVORITE HATE MAIL EVER
"First of all, aged gouda doesn't smear. It's a hard cheese."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
THAT STUPID BITCH
You put sense into so many people, why don't you help me?
I was happily married to my childhood sweetheart for 10 years before I met this guy, a colleague, lets call him X. My husband is a great guy, was my best friend, but somewhere we drifted apart. I was depressed, just had a miscarriage and your sharp brain knows what's coming next. We (me and X) had an intense, fiery affair, in which bathroom sinks were broken and at least 5 morning-after-pills were taken. If I was watching a woman like me in a movie, I am (was?) the type who usually screams 'whats wrong with the bitch?' Long story short, he was looking for a wife for the last one year, even while we were doing it all the time. He never asked me to leave my husband.
Now the reason why I am writing to you. This guy X got married today and I keep feeling this intense physical pain imagining him with another woman. How pathetic I am that I gave into him even a week before his marriage? He keeps saying he does not love her, and that I am his best love of life! How corny shit is that, and I am scared I will fall for it again. How do I deal with this situation? I will see him in a month with his new wife and I am freaking out big time. My husband knows part of the story and still stands by me. Why do shitty women like me get great guys and why do we think being great like that is unsexy and do it with douchebags? I am sad, hurt, crushed, but still attracted to X. Be your brutal self, Rabbit and enlighten me. I trust you. Sad to see loss of archives. They always helped me before.
Can't Believe I Am That Stupid Bitch
You really are That Stupid Bitch. Admitting that you are doesn't mean that you aren't. You're not better than That Stupid Bitch, or That One, or That One just because you see yourself clearly. You might as well be pulling someone's hair on Maury Povitch right now.
Now that we have that out of the way, this guy you're having an affair with is a serious tool. Although you might have some sensation of longing and titillation when you think of him, what you're feeling is loneliness and desperation, filtered through a sleazy, disconnected, fuckwad lens. You are making stanky Hard Lemon Flavored Malt Beverage out of the lemons of a faltering marriage. You bump into this needy, ego-driven liar, this slippery narcissist, and you two immediately see in each other the unhealthy ego boundaries that are the fertile ground on which the seeds of whore donkey bathroom sink sex might bloom and grow.
I know I'm being an asshole about this, but this is what you asked for, right? Here's how you deal with the situation: You stop romanticizing the dickcheese with the new wife. There's nothing interesting about that guy. Are you drinking too much these days, too? Stop drinking so goddamn much. Stop wondering about that guy. You are making him magical, using your powers of imagination. Stop using your goddamn imagination. You two had skanky, disgusting bathroom sink sex. It was not hot, because you were fucking a loser, and so was he. That's not romantic. The fact that he's randomly marrying someone else doesn't make him The One That Got Away, it makes him a tragedy in motion. His future, and his wife's future, is one big disappointment after another, it's a fucking emotional apocalypse. But most importantly, it's utterly irrelevant. It has nothing at all to do with you, because you choose not to spend your time fixated on slippery whore men.
So maybe you got married too young - plenty do. The question is, do you want to lose your best friend? If you think you feel desperate now, just imagine how you'll feel when this man who's supported you and stood by you bails. I wouldn't advocate coming completely clean - although it's clear you haven't or he'd be more pissed off. There's no pressing need to hurt your husband even more. But if you want to have a good life, you have to stop infusing crappy situations with swooning music and romance, while turning your back on what's right in front of your nose. Because you think that you're a loser, deep down, you believe that you can only be honest with another loser, aka the creep you've been screwing.
Confessing to your husband that you think you're a big loser (which you've obviously been doing) and confessing to me that you think you're a big loser isn't enough. You have to go see a therapist and talk about what a fucking loser you are. You obviously blame yourself for everything under the sun, so much so that it was natural that eventually, you would start acting like the worm that you've always thought that you were, underneath the surface.
But deep down inside, you're just a hurt person. You hate yourself so much that you assume you're not good enough for your husband, so you pretend, in your little storytelling mind, that he's somehow not good enough for you, that he's too "boring" because he's not a douchebag, because he actually likes you. What kind of a wimp would like a whore like you, right?
You're just lost. You feel terrible about the miscarriage. Talk to your husband about how you still feel bad about it, you can't help it. Talk to him about how you hate yourself. Talk to your therapist about the stupid affair, and about how you hate yourself. Don't talk to the dumbass or his new wife, who is just another woman on the street, really, and has nothing to do with you. Where do you have to see them? At a conference? Tell your boss you can't go. You don't have to see them, trust me. Stop using those two random stupid strangers as an escape from the difficult work of facing your own very normal life.
You feel terrible about yourself. Address that. You are rejecting your husband for staying with a wretch like you. Don't punish him for the emotions you can't acknowledge, that are about you, not him.
My suspicion is that you can have a perfectly good, nice, wonderful, fulfilling life, actually. I suspect that you're an extremely nice person who was taught to feel that your sexiness was your only redeeming quality, because you were rotten inside. You are just a child, really. Start having a little compassion for a child. Stop making her put on the high heels and the ass pants. Let her stay at home in her sweats. Make her a salad. Take her for a brisk walk. Be nice to her, for god's sake. She is in serious pain. Give her a little time to feel shitty. Stop running, just let her catch her fucking breath. She's lonely. She's really scared. She feels sick inside.
Everyone else is just in their own skin, apart from you, wandering through the dark, doing what they do. Fucking a narcissist doesn't change anything, it just rips your life to pieces. Getting a close-up look at a narcissist's wife doesn't change anything, it just gives you an excuse to feel even worse about yourself. Forget all of that.
This is about you, a child, on your own for the first time, facing yourself down. Do you want to kick that little girl to the curb, again, or take her in, wash off her face, and tuck her into bed for a nap? Treat yourself with a little kindness and respect, in spite of your mistakes, and your whole world will change before your eyes. Slow down and stop making decisions, stop reacting, stop panicking. Push that guy from your mind. He is in the past. Just take care of yourself. Ask around about a therapist. Look online. Make an appointment. Let your husband in a little. Slow down. Stop looking for another fix. This is going to be really hard, harder than seeing the guy and his wife, because THIS is about YOU, and no one else. But this is going to change everything.
Best of luck.
Friday, May 07, 2010
THE FAMILY MEETING!
Creating a time and place for the entire family to meet each week can give your various dependents and trapped creature-friends the illusion that someone "thoughtful" and "organized" – organized enough to set up a family meeting, at any rate – is in charge. This weekly meeting can also foster a sense of community among smallish people and sulking animals who might otherwise stay hidden in the dark corners of your domicile for days on end, ripping tiny holes in stolen toys with their teeth or yelling at tiny video games or speaking in tiny princess voices about going to the fancy ball, (one of the prerequisites for living happily ever after).
Since you're far too busy to actually "schedule" a time and place for such a gathering, it's best to simply stand in the largest room in the house and yell FAMILY MEETING FAMILY MEETING! whenever it's convenient for you. Upon hearing these words, everyone in the house should scamper obediently into the room and sit or lie down expectantly at your feet. See how you're modeling democracy for your offspring to appreciate and savor? Those who fail to drop everything and come running quickly should be publicly shamed in front of the rest of the meetings' participants, as public shaming is the cornerstone to any vibrant democracy. Think: whipping post, stocks, guillotine, TMZ.com.
Now that the entire household is in attendance, announce any items on the agenda for the day's meeting. Since you're much too important to have actually "written down" or "briefly considered" the agenda, start things off by telling each member of the house the ways in which they've personally disappointed you during the past week. Remember, the more specific you can get, the better. Some disappointing behaviors might include: failure to demonstrate wisdom beyond one's years, failure to wipe after using potty, failure to pick up toys and other bullshit off rug in living room, failure to entertain adult members of family with adequate volume of clever remarks, song, dance, failure to catch, kill and ingest any and all invading insects upon demand, failure to refrain from throwing entire body against front windows to demonstrate intention to rip UPS man's jugular in half.
Once you're finished sharing just how let down and disappointed you are in your various and sundry resident miscreants, the lowest ranking member of the family should be singled out for a demonstration. Typically, this is either the more subordinate dog of the house, some form of beleaguered amphibian, or your husband. Explain to all family members that those who fail to improve upon the figures charted on their quarterly behavioral performance reports (which don't exist) will be subjected to the following punishment. Now, spank lowest ranking member of family showily, but only hard enough to make him/her/it roll over and/or lick your hands and/or give you amorous looks that say, "You're the boss of me, I was born to serve/obey/fear you."
Once your husband gets off the floor and dusts himself off, it's time for everyone to share the highlight of their week. This gives family members a chance to see that their experiences and concerns are important to their parents and their siblings and pet brothers and sisters (taping a lollipop or dog treat to the speaker's forehead sometimes helps to reinforce this illusion). Be sure to interrupt frequently with your own thoughts or concerns, redirecting the conversation to suit your whims. ("That sounds pretty fun, but you shouldn't be playing outside without shoes." "Green Day is a stupid band that only a stupid person could ever like, is all." "Speaking of fingerpainting, should we order Thai for dinner tonight? I really don't feel like cooking again.")
Once everyone feels adequately shot down and disparaged (preparing them each for a lifetime of thankless toiling in the corporate workplace), the meeting is adjourned. Before anyone tries to pull you aside to discuss their feelings directly, announce that you'll be taking a nap, and anyone who bothers you will be in big, big, big, big, big trouble. This bestows upon all household members two of the most fundamental traits necessary for survival in a modern, free market society: Alienation and learned helplessness.
After a few months of semi-regular Family Meetings, you'll see the seeds of change begin to take root! Instead of whining about wanting a second juice box or another walk, dependents will scramble to "look busy" when you enter the room. Crying jags will be replaced by quiet, expressionless rocking back and forth in a corner. Incessant "why" questions will be replaced by concisely-worded inquiries via text message.
If home life begins to feel ever so slightly impersonal, just remember: patient nurturing and a kind, listening ear will only foster the illusion of agency in your dependents, rendering them utterly defenseless to ever-changing market pressures. By instead releasing your reckless, self-serving impulses and impromptu hazing via the family meeting format, you can ensure that your small offspring and spousal associates have at least a slim shot at living happily ever in today's increasingly soulless and masochistic socioeconomic landscape!
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
And my archives disappeared. Checking to see if I can still post. Have things to discuss. Shunning pronouns for gerunds.