rabbit blog

Tuesday, September 03, 2013


Probably can't write much today, mainly because "filthy house" doesn't go so well with "very sick dog" and "two-week-old headache." Here are some things "filthy house" does go well with, though:

1. Drug bender
At least while the drugs last, anyway. This example is theoretical, but still somehow soothing to consider as a pairing with "filthy house," particularly when very sick dog is very sick. Not sure why.

2. Weekend of screwing new human
This sounds exhausting, honestly, but it does justify "filthy house," and then some. At first I called this "fuck fest" but that sounded a little violent. Is that what we used to call it though? Fuck fest? I hate the young me.

3. Staycation
What a fucking stupid word that is, second only to "glamping." Fuck glamping, except when you're eating a catered meal and sleeping on a bed in the woods but you're never, ever calling it "glamping" because you respect yourself a tiny bit. Anyway, if you're really staycationing, you clearly should not be cleaning your filthy house, or it's not a staycation at all. It's a blah-cation.

4. "Six Feet Under" marathon
Why don't these exist? Because if they did, they would definitely justify "filthy house." Why "Law & Order" marathon but no "Six Feet Under" marathon? What kind of crazy fucked up world do we live in, anyway?

In case you're wondering, "very sick dog" goes better with these things:

1. Clean-ish house
Not that clean, mind you. But the washing machine should definitely be running in the background.

2. Other, not-very-sick-at-all dog
Nothing makes you feel a little bit OK in spite of very sick dog quite like other, healthy-ass, obnoxious I-still-want-a-fucking-walk dog. And it's the one who can say "Ri Rove Roo," too. So that helps.

3. Plan for dinner
Don't ever wait until very sick dog is even more sick to make some kind of a solid dinner plan that you'll probably have to cancel anyway when you transfer sick dog from the vet to the dog hospital, but not after leaving your remaining kidney at the vet and taking out a second mortgage on the house to pay the dog hospital. Which brings us to…

4. Giant trunk filled with cold, hard cash
Do you know how much the "Does sick dog have a fungal infection?" test is at my vet? $290. That’s just one test. She's on an IV there, and was in an even more expensive emergency place yesterday. Hot tip for dog-owners who live in LA: Never, ever go online and read forums where people in other parts of the country lament how much they're spending on their sick dog's vet bills, because they're spending roughly 1/5th of what you're spending, guaranteed.

And I bet their houses are a lot cleaner than yours, too.

1:28 PM

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columnist for new york magazine & bookforum, author of disaster preparedness, co-creator of filler for the late, great suck.com

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