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Monday, September 26, 2016

The Presidential Debate Drinking Game!

Most of us plan on watching a spectacle tonight that’s sure to make us feel very alone in a big, scary world that’s teetering on the brink of collapse. So perhaps we should conspire to make our collective nightmare slightly more bearable the same way so many humans, over the course of history, have attempted to make the unbearable more bearable: By drinking a lot.

That way, just as our individual anxiety and disbelief at what we’re seeing is peaking, so will our blood alcohol content. Our collective boozing will remind us that we are not alone. In fact, a major portion of the world’s population will be feeling just as confused and anguished and disbelieving and drunk as we are, at the exact same time. It'll be just like that time Darth Vader blew up an entire planet and everyone stared in disbelief and Obi-Wan felt a great disturbance in the force. Except even less amusing.

But drink enough to make it amusing, we will. And then we’ll live to regret it. It's the American way!

Here we go!

1. Drink every time Trump lies. (Yes, you're going to get drunk. That's the whole point.)

2. Drink every time Lester Holt struggles to find a synonym for “lie,” “liar,” “outrageous preposterous outright fucking lie.”

3. Drink every time Trump expresses awe at his own magnificence.

4. Drink every time Trump conjures a fantasy world in which everyone agrees with him. Drink twice if he calls this phenomenon “tremendous.”

5. Drink every time Trump says that Lester Holt and/or the media are against him and it’s totally no-fair.

6. Drink every time Clinton has a little Mona Lisa smile on her face that says, “Jesus Christ, I really have to pretend that I’m not debating a sentient circus peanut right now."

7. Drink whenever Trump interrupts Clinton, rolls his eyes at Clinton, or makes a sour lemon face while Clinton is speaking.

8. Drink every time you remember that you’re watching an actual presidential debate and not an SNL skit.

9. Drink every time your friend / partner / child bursts into tears and runs screaming from the room.

10. Drink every time you realize, anew, that God is dead.

11. Drink every time a media analyst calls the terrifying apocalyptic spectacle you're watching a “debate” and pretends like the sentient circus peanut is making some pretty solid points while the public servant with several decades of experience is maybe slipping up by appearing ever so slightly irked or impatient, you know, just as if she knows what the fuck she's talking about. So probably it's a tie or maybe the circus peanut is "winning the debate." And God isn’t dead, either, He’s just power napping until America is great again, which will happen soon if we elect a tyrannical idiot to the highest office of the land.

OK that was super fun! See you in Guantanamo in a few months! Stay sweet!

3:22 PM

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columnist for new york magazine & bookforum, author of disaster preparedness, co-creator of filler for the late, great suck.com

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